Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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