I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
