is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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