We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
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