I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
