I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
