i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
