I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
