At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This is the high leading the old right now
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
