I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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