im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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