he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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