I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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