I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
