sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
