My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
