9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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