if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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