New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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