I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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