I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
