I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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