Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
People in love make me want to vomit
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
