hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
