i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
