it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
