how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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