he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
