She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
