there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We just shotgunned beers for America
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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