dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
