I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
