a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
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I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
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I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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