she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
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I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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