We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
