Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
