between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
whose parrot is this?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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