come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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