I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
