So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i want to swaddle you in tequila
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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