She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
