Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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