possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
