One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
