you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
