Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
