When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
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