I seem to have left my pride at pride
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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