Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
