Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
