Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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