I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
