Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
