your thong is hanging out like whoa
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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