now i know why i became what i already was.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
