Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
